Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sole Journey

So here we are in the third week of lent.
I am thoroughly enjoying the lenten series we are engaging in at SUC
"Soul Journey (off the beaten path)."
We have a path down the centre of our aisle that I and a lay member created with our painted feet. We have spent the last couple weeks talking about and living into spiritual practices that connect our soles are to our soul. We are discovering the ways and the places in which we walk are connected with our life desires. We are taking a sole journey together so that our souls might be refreshed and renewed.
I am loving this theme - I have been daily touched by how others have become more connected with The Holy through this.
And yet today I have sat in my office and taken notice that I am much better at leading others into practice than spending time in it myself. How is it that I fell back here already? Throughout the season of advent right up to January 1st I was in daily practice. I was creating balance. I was reminded of the peace it brought and then....
Well... one of my lenten practices has been to take at least one day off a week. I missed the first week but I have succeeded at two days off now and am aiming for a third on Monday (I nearly slipped up by agreeing to lead a community prayer vigil but a half hour later I called back with a 'that's just not going to work.' - Oh the guilt I carry over saying that. Who else is going to hold a prayer vigil for Japan now (Someone joked - 'well if they have a nuclear disaster now we know who to come to' - If only I was able to see the humour in that a little more clearly).
I am not proud of this. I am ashamed and yet I feel guilt when I say 'no.' I have found myself back in a place of feeling like I don't measure up the expectation of people and 'the church' (at every level). (Now there is my classic #3)
I hate saying I'm busy. I don't want to be busy. I don't want to be exhausted. It's not what God wants of me either (I do believe that).
So here it is. Starting this week. I am giving up trying to live up to false expectations. I am giving up feeling guilty when I say no.
I am not looking for sympathy.
I am calling us all back to living into who God has created us to be. "Whole" And I am pretty sure 'whole' does not look like a guilt-ridden, over-worked, dishonoured, exhausted clergy person. I look forward to being reminded of what at least glimpsing 'whole' does look like.
I hope you join me in giving up those things that are keeping you from 'wholeness.'
(And on that note it's lunch time and the sun is shining - I'm going for a good long walk before I have to be back in the office)
Blessings on you 'Soul Journey'

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